Captain Kuro and the Computer
by Baka Kitsune
Summary: Semi AU ficcy...What if Kuro had a laptop? This is what he'd do. [pairing warnings -- suggested Kuro/Jango and Kuro/Kohza]...Also, takes place possibly during "Jango no Dance Carnival"..anyone know where I can get that? It would be nice if someone told me


Captain Kuro and the Computer  
  
Captain Kuro sat in the darkness, staring into the bright light of the screen infront of him. That screen, was of his brand new (extremely primitive) laptop, given to him by the good people at Pants Co. -- whom he supported and was thier only customer during that first shaky year (he had claimed that he only bought pants from them, because his old pants shop had been converted into a Starbucks).  
  
Kuro had owned this laptop for about three or four days. He'd shredded the users manual after about five minutes of attempting to decode it's strange cryptic messages -- what the HELL is a "cooling fan" anyways?! He also attempted to chase the "mouse" but gave up when it didn't cower in fear of his excellence.  
  
He had spent the first day learning about the basic components and works of the computer itself -- basically, how to change your background and how to use a typing program were all he believed he needed. He'd also picked up something refered to as a "modem" which connected him to a fabulous world called "The Internet".  
  
"The Internet" was, in Kuro's opinion, like a large ship -- no, a HUGE ship..naw, scratch that. It was just like a town. Except nobody had a house and everyone spoke thier minds like they owned the place. It was wonderful. He was free to do whatever he wanted here -- he could download crappy music, make fun of people he didn't even know, and he could even choose what he wanted his "user name" to be! It was wonderful! He had a hard time chosing a name though..  
  
Captain Kuro, not liking his name to begin with (possibly it was just the "captain" part in there), he thought of a variety of names -- and since Jango had jumped ship to go and have a dance carnival with Fullbody, he couldn't have any suggestions thrown at him. Originally, he would have liked "Kurahandol_and_not_Captain_Kuro_at_all_where_the_hell_did_you_get_that_idea_you_fucking_prick_I_oughta_rip_your_eyes_out_and_feed_them_to_a_purple_mongoose_if_you_ever_think_that_way_again_you_hear_me_fucker", but due to it's extreme length, was not acceptable. He eventually settled with "screw_you_jango_666" (still mad about his lover leaving him to dance with a pink-haired pansy I suppose).  
  
Being without his first mate, the "elusive hyper-bishounen", Jango, left Kuro with a strange feeling of lonliness -- he missed having someone that looked like Steven Tyler that he could order around and abuse in his own special, mental mind-fucking way. He joined an online dating service -- yes. Kuro joined a dating service. The end is near -- heed my warning, heed my warning.  
  
Kuro even put up a personal add on the site. Yes. Kuro and personal adds -- didn't I TELL you that the end was near?! Did you HEED MY WARNING YET? HmmmMMMM? DID YOU?! Well, I'm sure you did, but, well, you know. Aherm, where were we? Oh yes... Kuro put out a personal add on the site..  
  
I Won't Hurt You...Much..  
  
Gender: Man seeking Man or Woman  
  
Location: Drifting Somewhere..  
  
Age: undiscolsed  
  
Looking for: Anything that puts out  
  
Marital Status: Single   
  
Ethnicity: ..meow?  
  
Hair: Black..ish...green...?  
  
Eyes: Black  
  
Body Type: Tall, Thin, hands that are completly out of proportion to my body  
  
Education: Once I ate a turnip  
  
Employment: I used to be a pirate..we don't talk about that anymore..I used to be a butler too, but we don't talk about THAT either..  
  
Profession: We don't discuss stuff like this! Hiss!!   
  
Religion: I worship me -- and you should worship me too!! BOW BEFORE MY EXCELLENCE!!  
  
Religious Services: My body is a temple..NOW GET ON YOUR KNEES!  
  
Political Views: I fought the law and I won. So HA.  
  
Smoking: Catnip  
  
Drinking: If it will get you in the sack, then sure!  
  
Kids: I EAT children.  
  
Wants Kids: Yes -- they are delicious.  
  
Groups: Extreme Hatred Fanatics, I Love Cats foundation  
  
Interests: Killing, hating the world, getting back at ex (die Jango die..)  
  
  
  
  
  
More about him:   
  
I enjoy ordering people around, forcing you to do my bidding and getting pedicures. My favourite colour is black, and don't bother speaking to me unless you like cats. GOT THAT?  
  
  
  
And that ladies and gentlemen, was his personal add...surprisingly, he got many responses -- mostly people telling him how much of a sick bastard he truly was..However, one response to his personal did rouse his interest..  
  
Message from: desert_rebel_995  
  
I also enjoy anarchy and men with hands completly out of proportion to their bodies.  
  
Kuro stared at this response for a while. This 'desert_rebel_995' didn't seem too bad..He sent a message back to him --  
  
Message from: screw_you_jango_666  
  
What is your name? Where do you live?  
  
Message from: desert_rebel_995  
  
My name is Kohza. I live in Alabasta.  
  
Message from: screw_you_jango_666  
  
Alabasta? Gods sake man, are you desert folk THAT desparate?  
  
Unfortunatly, Kuro never got a response to that..He decided, that this "Kohza" fellow must not have liked cats or something.  
  
After about a week or so, Kuro threw the damned laptop into the ocean. Something about "cannot find security.SYS" and "cannot run freeporn.alt" alerts. If he couldn't get any good free porn, than what the hell good was having a computer?   
  
All his problems were eventually solved by Mr.Psychiatric Help...So Kuro decided to kill him. How dare someone solve HIS issues!!  
  
And now for something completely different --  
  
Captain Kuro says...  
  
"Don't drink things made of strange fruits. Especially if you find them in cans at Wal-mart and they just so happen to be marked down from 63 cents to 40. I'm serious -- don't trust the guava juice."  
  
THE END  
  
A Note from Baka Kitsune:  
  
:D:D:D:D I LIKE CHEESE!!!  
  
No, on a serious note, you can tell I'm bored and lonely and..running low on sugar...  
  
My dear, sweet, EVIL, PSYCHOTIC muse made me write this..the whole Kuro/Kohza thing spawned from this test I did on Quizilla about your 'random one piece yaoi pairing'..I somehow got Kuro/Kohza..which really doesn't make sense..so yeah, thank the muse for this marvelous piece...  
  
And YES. I am aware this is awful and not overly humourous (or I'm just low on sugar..)...but what 'Captain Kuro Says' is VERY true...x_X my stomach is STILL hurting...Don't trust the guava juice...believe me.. 


End file.
